56. ACHIEVING WORK LIFE, SEX LIFE BALANCE
MANY OF YOU ARE BUSY PEOPLE WITH MULTIPLE RESPONSIBILITIES AND WHO LEAD STRESSFUL LIVES. SO HOW DO YOU NAVIGATE A GOOD WORK LIFE, SEX LIFE BALANCE?
On this episode, Sara talks with Lisa Fei and celebrity matchmaker Carmelia Ray about how to juggle a busy work life and maintain a fulfilling sex life. Respectively, Lisa and Carmelia are the Founder and Head Coach of the relationship wellness app, Clarity (http://clarityapp.io) which offers tools for navigating every stage of your relationship journey.
Carmelia starts off by defining what an ideal work life, sex life balance could look like and how this is always shifting over time, and with different situations e.g. kids, stress, hormones, etc.
We then discuss practical things to do where we’re so busy with work that sex feels like a chore or falls to the bottom of our to-do list.
One of the key takeaways from this episode is that it’s always possible to make time for sex in our busy schedules, it’s just a matter of priorities. Research shows that a good sex life can be beneficial to your career, by reducing stress, boosting productivity and job engagement.
So if you’re someone who’s frequently too busy at work, this episode will show you how to bring balance into your sex life with healthy conversations, good planning and a shift in mindset.
JUICY BITS ON THE SHOW
03:44 - 06:40 Founding story of the Clarity app
07:00 - 09:25 Why dating and relationships can be complicated
12:15 - 14:00 Defining the ideal work life, sex life balance
16:59 - 20:25 Bringing up the conversation of a dry spell with a partner
25:35 - 31:05 Impact of the pandemic on work life, sex-life balance
33:41 - 36:10 How a healthy sex life helps you in your career
36:16 - 38:43 Prioritising sex for people with kids
AUDIO GUIDE: WANT TO GET BETTER IN BED?
Download this FREE audio guide to get 3 critical strategies to help you creatively and confidently rock it between the sheets.
TIPS FOR PRIORITISING SEX WHEN LIFE GETS BUSY
Talk It Out
Remember you and your partner are a team. So have a conversation and support each other in making sex a priority. Communication is key.
Have a Quickie
If you’re truly strapped for time, just do the best you can and have a quickie. Sex doesn’t always have to happen a certain way, at a certain time, with certain results.
Turn Yourself On
Many people, especially women, need some erotic stimulation to create arousal. So do what it takes to get yourself in the mood.
Get Some Help Find practical solutions to free up more time for yourself, by getting a helper or a babysitter or joining a carpool for sending the kids to school.
Acknowledge your partner
Use your love language to show appreciation, and express how sexy or desirable you find them, even if you’re not able to engage as much sexually.
Schedule Date Nights
Make time for sex by blocking the time out in your diary, instead of spontaneously hoping it will happen.
Prioritise Pleasure over Sex Orgasm-focused, penetrative sex doesn’t have to always be the goal. Try connecting over a steamy make-out session or erotic massage instead.
Seek out a Sex Coach
If you’re still struggling with this and it’s creating issues for you or your relationship, you may need additional support from a certified professional. Like me!
WORDS OF WISDOM FROM THE EPISODE
“At different times in our lives and different times in our work life, we are going to have a lot of imbalance. Work life, sex life balance is when both people feel happy and satisfied in both of those areas. They are communicating regularly, and there is an agreement on what an appropriate amount of sex is, the appropriate amount of time spent at work and when it’s not, they are in a conversation to resolve that situation. It’s never perfect.”
“It's so dynamic. I don't think there's a one size fits all recipe for what's appropriate. What's a healthy sex life balance. I know some couples that have sex every day. And I know some couples that have sex once a month, and both people are happy with the amount and frequency it works for them. So you've got to really understand your body, understand your needs. And if your needs aren't being met, then you need to express that. And I think part of the challenge there is that people are afraid to talk about their needs and they're afraid to ask for what they want even in asking for the positions or asking for certain actions to take place or maybe you know, changing things up. So there's like this delicate conversation for a lot of people to have.”
“I’m always glad I had sex because now there are feel-good endorphins, especially if you climax and you’ve got oxytocin in your body, there's a connection there. So it's never bad. Now, if you're dreading sex, because it's not good sex, and sex to you isn't pleasurable, or sex to you is more of a chore. I think that's also a concern that you have to address. If you don't want to have sex with your partner, and you're not thinking, wow, for the health and sake of my relationship, we should be having sex at least x times a month. Otherwise, you'll just fall into the trap of, you know, roommates at night, and you're just paying bills and doing the thing. And then the intimacy is gone.
“There are things that you can do to affect and impact your libido and your mood on your own. Some of those known things are, getting enough sleep or on the other hand, too much sleep. Being active with daily exercise and having a healthy diet is very important. It is very much about the mindset. Focus on your self-pleasure, you need to know how to pleasure yourself. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with self-pleasure. Don’t eliminate a sex life only because you don’t have a partner. I think you can have a very healthy sex life and really enjoy your own company. ”
“What's important is to operate with transparency with the partners that you’re with. I think there's more shame in sex when you're not honest about your situation, or when you end up hurting other people because you're only thinking selfishly, of your sexual needs, and not of the other person, or the other person. Because great sex, in my opinion, is when both people are satisfied and both people are aware of the context of this relationship. It can be purely sexual, it could be sex leading to a relationship. So just define the sexual experience before you get into it. I think that that's really important.”
“Okay, people with kids, for those who can do this, I highly recommend that you have a date night, and you have planned date night, because to just have sex on demand. Again, for some people, they're built differently, they may need to feel wined and dined or starting from the morning, you know, leading to the sexual experience at night, it's planning. So one of the things you need to do is find a babysitter, right? Find a babysitter, a trusting friend, and let them know I want to have a date night with my partner, I want to have a date night with my wife, my husband, whatever so that they know what the MO is.”
OTHER GREAT REFERENCES YOU’LL LOVE
Clarity App - Clarity is the sponsor for this episode. They are a relationship wellness app that gives you the tools to navigate every stage of your dating and relationship journey.
Maintaining an active sex life may lead to improved job satisfaction, engagement in work - This journal article from Oregon State University underscores the research behind the value of a strong work-life balance.
How the pandemic has changed our sex lives - BBC analysis of the toll that the pandemic has taken on our dating, love and sex lives.
Stressed at work? These are 5 ways in which it could affect your sex life - This article explores how stress can affect your sex life, and what to do to prevent it from doing so.
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!
How do you prioritise sex when life gets busy? Let me know, I’d love to hear about your experience!