25. KEEPING THE SPARK & MAKING LOVE LAST
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HOW DO WE KEEP THAT INITIAL PASSION FOR SEX AND INTIMACY ALIVE FOR THE LONG-HAUL?
Highly sought after sexual/marital psychotherapist and founder of The Academy of Lasting Love, Nikki Green shares some illuminating lessons with Sara and co-host Kat from over 20 years of experience primarily working with women in Hong Kong.
She believes that great sex can definitely survive over the long-haul however it’s a myth that it will just happen spontaneously and naturally. Sex is usually full of passion early on in the relationship, but the reality is that this addictive “dopamine high” gradually drops as time passes, and extra effort is required if a couple wants to maintain a healthy sex life.
Nikki emphasizes being deliberate around keeping that spark alive throughout your relationship, regardless of desire. In her view, relying on desire alone isn’t enough to keep a relationship consistently juicy as desire goes up or down at any time.
Instead, making sex in a relationship last is about a commitment to connection, adventure, intimacy and requires a whole different mindset. A big part of which includes scheduling and showing up fully. Listen in as Nikki lays out a roadmap to make this a reality in any relationship!
Download Nikki’s free Spice of Love mini-course – Conversations for Deeper and more Fulfilling Intimacy, which includes questions you can ask each other to immediately improve intimacy and erotic satisfaction.
MORE JUICY BITS ON THE SHOW
2:21-4:45 What inspired Nikki to become a relationship therapist
5:04-10:33 Can great sex survive a long-term relationship?
11:35-13:25 Nikki’s advice to rekindling a couple’s sex life
14:01-19:18 Nikki’s perspective on the traditionally pragmatic Asian view of sex
19:26-26:54 Can a relationship survive without sexual intimacy
27:04-28:54 What if one partner desires sex more than the other
29:24-37:00 Can a relationship recover from an affair? Communication is key.
37:22-44:00 How does one decide whether or not to leave a relationship?
44:06-52:00 How do we set up our relationship for long-term success?
AUDIO GUIDE: WANT TO GET BETTER IN BED?
Download this FREE audio guide to get 3 critical strategies to help you creatively and confidently rock it between the sheets.
WORDS OF WISDOM
“If you work at it, you can have an absolutely amazing sex life. But if you just sort of expect it to happen when you feel like it, it’s never going to happen.”
“Clarify your goal. If your goal is to just have great sex when you’re excited, your sex life may fizzle out fast. But if your goal is to make the relationship amazing, and to create connection and closeness and adventure and experiences together, that’s a different goal, and it’s going to require a whole different mindset and different steps to get there. It’s human nature for desire to go up and down, anyway. So take desire out of the equation a little bit. And like anything in life, you just have to pencil it in, show up fully, and have a really good time.”
“There are three levels of love: the narcissistic level, the quid pro quo level, and the unconditional level. If you want a soulmate relationship, this third level is where you want to start residing; but it doesn’t mean that you’re a doormat. Unconditional love is where you start to rebuild the good stuff if there is good stuff there.”
“The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Just knowing that you can push someone’s buttons and get a reaction from them tells you that they love you. It’s when you get to that place where it’s ‘the shutdown’, that’s the absolute killer.”
OTHER GREAT REFERENCES YOU'LL LOVE
The Academy of Lasting Love — Nikki’s roadmap to a fulfilling relationship. A treasure trove of resources to help you rekindle that spark
Love Him or Leave Him – Nikki’s course for women that guides them on how to gratefully love or graciously leave her man. Next enrollment is in March 2020, and right now listeners are eligible for a 50% early bird discount.
The Brain in Love – Ted Talk by Helen Fisher explaining her research findings showing our very real, very physical need for romantic love
Keeping the Spark Alive — Another perspective on this topic from renowned life coach Tony Robbins
11 Daily Habits That Indicate There's No Passion Left In A Relationship — A sexless relationship tends to creep up on a couple, and oftentimes it becomes difficult to address once they realize the passion between them has already disappeared. Here are 11 indicators to help you nip this common issue in the bud.
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!
What do you do to keep the passion alive in your relationship over time? Leave us a comment below—we'd love to know!