How do I introduce a sex toy to a partner
BY SARA TANG, SEX COACH
If you’re ready to take your bedroom romps to the next level, sex toys could be the answer. So let’s get down to buzziness!
I am a huge advocate of using sex toys with a partner for several reasons. Firstly, all relationships, especially long-term ones, need a certain amount of variety and novelty to keep them spicy and exciting. Sex toys bring in different sensations, fresh possibilities and inspire you to experiment together as a couple.
Curious to try g-spot stimulation, nipple play, bondage etc.? Yup, there’s a toy for that. In fact, there are probably more toys for whatever you’re into than you could ever use in your lifetime!
Secondly, sex toys help you learn more about your lover’s body – what turns them on and how they like to be stimulated. Watching your lover pleasure themselves with a toy can increase intimacy, be an incredibly erotic experience and help you get better in bed.
Thirdly and most critically, with up to 70% of women unable to reach orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, using sex toys that increase clitoral stimulation during sex can be a game changer.
KNOW YOUR TOOLS
It’s not absolutely necessary but I think it helps to have at least a working knowledge of sex toys before you mention the idea to your partner. So, I would recommend a quick browse of the Internet beforehand to at least figure out what’s out there and what could be exciting to explore.
It’s important to note that not everything that vibrates, pulsates or oscillates is created equal. Don’t be misled by the crude pieces of rubbery plastic with porn star packaging that you see at Temple Street market, displayed next to the knockoff watches and pirated DVDs. The world of sex toys has moved on a fair bit.
These days, it is a veritable wonderland of beautiful design and modern technology. Many of today’s sex toys – or ‘sexccessories’ – are multi-functional, app-controlled and made of body-safe materials, like silicone. They wouldn’t look out of place on your bedside table, worn around your neck like a piece of jewelry or even at a high-end electronics store.
HAVING THE TOY TALK
In terms of when to have the toy talk, I would recommend doing it before any ‘sexy time’ commences. Busting out a vibrator from your secret stash under the bed and waving it in your lover’s face mid-coitus could be disruptive and potentially backfire, even if your intentions are purely altruistic.
Approach the topic with empathy and sensitivity. Some partners might feel threatened because they already feel underlying anxiety about their performance in bed, or think that a toy implies you’re dissatisfied with them as a lover. You might also be nervous if you’re revealing a fantasy or kinky desire that your partner is not familiar with.
Make the conversation about the both of you as a couple. Reassure your lover that sex toys are meant to enhance – not replace – what you have together. And until those clever toy designers create something that gives cuddles, does the laundry and participates in deep, meaningful conversations, reinforce to your partner that they will always be number one in your life.
Figuring out what your intimacy language (with the quiz below) can help to ease the awkwardness around these conversations.
KEEP IT PLAYFUL
If you sense that your partner’s warming to the idea, build further anticipation with some naughty pillow talk. Whisper into your partner’s ear a tantalising scenario that includes how you’ll use this pleasure object on, in or with them.
Create a sexy date night ritual where the two of you break out a bottle of wine before celebrating the trial of a new sex toy. Or give your toy an affectionate code name that only both of you know about and keep the mood playful. This can help your partner overcome their initial hesitation, and associate toys with a fun, intimate and positive experience.
GO SEX TOY SHOPPING
If your partner’s fully sold on the idea, then I suggest making a trip to your local adult toy store and choosing something that you can use together. And if you’re both starting out, bigger isn’t necessarily better.
Maybe steer clear of the 12-inch flesh-coloured dildos until you become a more confident lover. Or have a sex coach accompany you on your visit for a personalised shopping experience.
In terms of Hong Kong sex toy stores, both Sally Coco and Wanta are well laid out and offer a robust range of sex toys, sensual accessories, lingerie, lotions and potions. Sally Coco in particular have really lovely, knowledgeable staff, also called Intimate Stylists, that will eliminate any awkwardness from your buying experience.
Great couples toys that you might want to look into include the hands-free, versatile Eva and We-Vibe that are designed to deliver direct clitoral stimulation during sex. Or a vibrating penis ring like the Lelo Tor has the added benefit of helping him stay harder for longer.
If a vibrating toy still seems too intimidating, start off with a naughty couples game like Monogamy, sexy dice or even the classic Truth or Dare. In addition to being fun date night ideas, these games can improve communication about each other’s desires, fantasies and boundaries. In turn, making you better in bed.
Loved these tips? Unsure how to implement them? Have you still got questions? I offer advice, information, and sex coaching, so if you need personalised guidance, don’t worry – I’m here for you! Find out more here.
(Article first published in Sassy Hong Kong)